Death of a Catchphrase
by trixietru
Summary: Set shortly after "Dyslexic Heart." Just a short conversation that was bound to happen.


Title: Death of a Catchphrase

Pairing: Shawn/Lassiter

Rating: This is not really an M, but I prefer to err on the side of caution.

Summary: Set shortly after "Dyslexic Heart." Just a short conversation that was bound to happen.

Gus was doing a little dance as they watched Juliet put the perp into the back of the police car, celebrating the fact that he had been the one to correctly identify the murderer, while Shawn had still been putting the pieces together.

"Does he always do this when he's right?" Lassiter asked.

Shawn shrugged. "I don't know. It's never happened before."

Gus paused in his dancing to point an accusatory finger at Shawn. "That's a damn lie and you know it. I've been right plenty of times."

"If that's true, then why are you so excited about it now?"

"Usually you take all the credit. But this time I was right in front of witnesses. So you can suck it, Shawnie boy."

"Have you ever heard the phrase 'poor winner', Gus? Because I think you might actually be the definition of that."

"Oh what's that? Is that loser talk? You know what losers get to do, don't you? That's right, losers suck it, Shawn!" Gus crowed triumphantly. "Suuuuuuuck it!"

Shawn blinked, struck by a sudden memory of the last time he had heard those words, which had involved him on his knees and Lassie's hands in his hair. From the way Lassiter was turning pink, he was remembering the same thing. What had been pretty freaking hot in the moment was suddenly very uncomfortable coming from Gus.

"Buddy," Shawn said gently, putting an arm around Gus's shoulders, "I think we're going to have to retire that phrase."

Still high on his win, Gus didn't seem to notice Shawn's sincerity. "What's wrong, Shawn? You don't wanna suck it? Well, too bad!"

"No," Shawn said honestly, "that's never really been a problem for me." Behind him, Lassiter made a muffled choking sound, while beside him, Gus was finally started to realize that he was missing the point. "And for the record," he added, "I always feel like more of a winner than a loser when I'm doing it."

"What are you..." Gus trailed off, looking from Lassiter, who was studiously avoiding his gaze, to Shawn, who felt equal parts amused and embarrassed. "Shawn! No! No! I told you, I don't want to know anything!"

"To be fair, you brought it up, not me."

"I didn't know what I was bringing up!" Gus protested. "I don't have a dirty mind, the way you do."

"Yeah, right," Shawn said, rolling his eyes. "You're the one who's been insisting since we were kids that that Cyndi Lauper song "She Bop" is about masturbation."

"That's what the song is about, Shawn! Knowing that doesn't make me some kind of perv!"

"No Gus, that song is about dancing. You know, bopping around," he said, demonstrating with a little bouncy dance step.

"No," Lassiter said, "Guster's right. I can't believe you don't know that, Spencer."

Shawn narrowed his eyes in suspicion, unconvinced. "I think you both have dirty minds. I'm the only one pure of mind around here."

Gus and Lassiter exchanged a look, then both burst into laughter.

"Come on, son. You even had a dirty mind when we were kids. You're the one who told me about the birds and the bees in the first place."

"Gus, you were fourteen. It was long past time for you to know that the stork wasn't real and that girl parts and boy parts are different. I was doing you a favor."

"I wasn't fourteen, Shawn!" Gus protested hotly. "I was twelve. And I knew that girls had, you know, different parts. I just didn't know how all the parts...fit together."

"Whatever," Shawn said dismissively. "That was a public service, not the work of a dirty mind."

"Uh huh," Lassiter said, "and what about two nights ago when you talked me into...well, you know what you talked me into, and it was definitely something that only someone with a dirty mind would come up with."

Shawn grinned. "That was also a public service. You were so much happier and more relaxed afterwards, much less likely to yell at innocent civilians later. Besides, don't lie: you know you loved it and can't wait to do it again."

"That's not the point," Lassiter said gruffly, blushing.

Gus threw up his hands in disgust. "And now we're back to your sex life! I can't win."

They were joined by Juliet. "What are you guys talking about?"

"Nothing," Lassiter said.

"Whether or not I have a dirty mind," Shawn said.

"Shawn and Lassie's sex life," Gus said.

Juliet frowned. "Why do you guys wait until I'm busy handing some murderer off to the uniforms before you talk about anything interesting?"

"What do you mean, Jules? You were right there with us when we had that in-depth discussion of Twizzlers versus Red Vines!"

"Right," she said with a sigh. "How could I forget?"

"I don't know," Shawn said. "Not when Red Vines had such a decisive victory."

"What are you talking about?" Gus demanded. "Twizzlers won! You can't change history just because you want to, Shawn."

"That's it," Shawn said, "we're going to the store right now and settling this once and for all."

"You're on," Gus agreed. "And when I prove to you the superiority of Twizzlers, you'll be a loser twice today. And when that happens, Shawn, I will most politely invite you to bite me."

Wincing slightly, Shawn exchanged a glance with Lassiter. "Nope, that's not gonna work either, Gus."

"Seriously?" Gus demanded, as Juliet raised her eyebrows with interest. "You two need help."

"Oh no, I don't think so," Juliet said, "biting can be very erotic. Just don't break the skin, because that can cause an infection. I knew this girl in college who -"

Lassiter had turned a shade of red that Shawn normally associated with stroke victims, so he hastily interrupted. "Thanks Jules, that's great advice. Gus, stop derailing the conversation on to sex because you know how right I am about Red Vines."

"ME? I'm not the one who keeps bringing up sex!"

"Uh, you're the one who brought up both sucking and biting, Gus, which I think settles the argument of who has the dirtiest mind around here."

Juliet shook her head in mock disapproval. "I would not have expected that kind of behavior from you, Gus."

"Juliet! I didn't…I would never…Shawn!" he snapped, mortified, "I thought we had a candy competition to settle."

Shawn turned to Lassiter. "I have to go educate Gus on the error of his ways now. I'll see you tonight, Lass." Leaning in close, so that no one else could hear him, he said "By the way, iyou/i can still tell me to suck it anytime you want."

Lassiter glanced quickly over at O'Hara, only to see her looking so innocent that he could only assume that she had overheard, which made him feel more embarrassed that he might have had he and Shawn been alone.

"You...I...Get out of here, Spencer. I'll deal with you later."

"I'm counting on it," Shawn said with a wink.

"Oh my gosh, you two are like horny teenagers," Gus complained. "Come on, Shawn, are we doing this thing or what?"

The two of them wandered off together, bickering happily. Juliet turned to Lassiter.

"So, do I get to hear about Shawn's dirty mind?"

Lassiter put on his sunglasses and stalked to the car. "Nope," he said flatly.

"Carlton!" she complained, hurrying to catch up with him, "I never get to have any fun."

"He never picks up after himself and getting him to wash a dish would be a minor miracle. Is that dirty enough for you?"

"That's not really what I was hoping for," she said, as she buckled her seat belt.

"I'm fairly certain that he wore the same pair of jeans three days in a row last week," Lassiter continued, "and he asked me the other day how the vacuum cleaner worked, which would seem to indicate that he's never used one before."

"You can stop now," Juliet said, exasperated.

"His hygiene is impeccable, especially when it comes to his hair, but I did once see him eat a Dorito from off the floor."

"Okay, okay," she conceded with a sigh of defeat. "I'm sorry that I expected you to dish about Shawn. I was just curious. I always assumed that he would be very…creative."

Lassiter's mouth tilted up into a little smile, like he was remembering something especially nice. "Oh, he is…wait a minute, what do you mean you always assumed? O'Hara, as your superior officer, I forbid you to think about Shawn like that."

"You can't forbid me from thinking about things, Carlton. Not even things like my handsome partner and his attractive boyfriend."

"I'm starting to think that the person with the dirtiest mind around here is you," he muttered.

Juliet smirked as she put her own sunglasses on. "You know that's right."


End file.
